I’ve written some pretty depressed entries in here this year. Almost all of them have been while drunk and I probably deleted them when I woke up the next
morning afternoon/evening. But I’m not drunk now so this one will have more honesty, clarity, and chance at not being deleted.
I feel like I’m on an upswing. And at least 50% of that is most likely because I haven’t been drunk in a month. I’m just kind of accepting that to attract good things, you have to be good to yourself. I need to go after the things I’m passionate about. I need to work hard. I need to be more adventurous. I need to be more sober. I need to clean my room and do my laundry and all the other dumb, menial shit that adds up to being a responsible adult. I need to accept that I don’t know everything. Just because I want something doesn’t make it my fate. And drinking every weekend until I pass out alone, meandering through my job like I don’t need to connect with the people around me, and crawling into bed as soon as I come home every week day is not a welcoming lifestyle. I think I fell in love with a girl this summer whom I wanted desperately. But what would I have done if I got her? I’d have driven her away with this suffocating tiny box I’ve been living in.
You know, I’m still not convinced I’m wrong about her. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so strongly for someone and I know I’ve never met anyone who truly made me want to be a better person. But I need to refocus. Sometimes sadness is unavoidable but that doesn’t mean I have to drown in it. I need to put in the hard work to make myself happy before I can even think about being happy with someone else. I need to be open to accepting whatever good comes into my life, even if - especially if it’s different than what I was hoping for. I’ve had so many amazing experiences this year and there are so many incredible opportunities around me and I haven’t been paying attention to them at all. It’s past time to change that. I know I’ve said similar things before but honestly they probably never took because I was drunk while saying them. I could brush past the truth then but I could never fully grasp it.
I’m definitely not over all the things I’ve been hung up on (some recent, some for years), but I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly than I have in a very long time.